Edmunds CarPool

Opening Statements

James Riswick for the Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG
As far as I see it, these are the criteria for the ideal bachelor party road trip car. Is it big enough for four guys to fit and sit comfortably? Well,  in terms of space, few sedans can beat the Mercedes-Benz S-Class. In terms of comfort, the two dudes in back will enjoy the 4 hour journey in eight-way adjustable heated and ventilated seats, dual-zone climate control, two TV screens with two separate remote COMAND controls and power-operated sunshades to keep out the desert sun. Even the passenger dude upfront can watch a movie on the trick split COMAND screen, not to mention be massaged by his 14-way seat.

Next, will the car be fast enough to dodge those asshats in the left lane who clog the 15? Um, 604 horsepower and 738 torques should probably be enough. Finally, does the car have the right amount of pomp and circumstance for when we cruise under the portico at Caesar's. A Rolls-Royce is too ostentatious and doesn't have all the above stuff. A Maybach does, but then you'll either be confused for Puff Daddy or a Hong Kong businessman en route from his LearJet at McCarran. While there are Jags, BMWs, Audis, Range Rovers, Bentleys and a Maserati, there is something about the top-dog Mercedes-Benz that represents a non-flashy, self-confident class and coolness. We're here, our backs feel fantastic and would you mind if we filled your portico with white tire smoke?

Mark Takahashi for the Porsche Cayenne Turbo
I see your Benz and raise you a Porsche. My Cayenne can be outfitted similarly to your S-Class, but I have a few distinct advantages. The Cayenne has a surprising amount of off-road prowess, which means we can confidently journey into the desert to dispose of evidence do some sightseeing. We can also beat a hasty retreat into said desert when the Vegas baddies come looking for us.

Yes, my Vegas excursions are decidedly more pulse-quickening than most.

As the sole Asian representative on this bachelor party, I'll be avoiding the Benz, lest I get stuffed into the trunk buck naked. Trust me, it's in everybody's best interest. The Cayenne is a little short on cargo space, but then again, this is Vegas and all I'll need is a suit, a change of clothes and a bottle of febreeze. In the likely event that we need to transport an exotic pet from and to a former boxing legend's estate, we can flip down the Porsche's seats. See? I thought of everything.

Rebuttals

Riswick:
All good points to be sure, but there is something about a big, flagship luxury sedan that seems more appropriate for the journey. The Cayenne Turbo, however impressive, still feels like a car a Real Housewive of Orange County would take to Vegas to real-bake her fake-bake and grind on some flatbillers. Now, you may end up stuck naked in the trunk, but at least ... actually I have no solace for that. It's bound to happen, simply inevitable, but perhaps we could give you a COMAND remote and you could spend time tormenting us by randomly engaging the front seat massagers and tuning it to Sirius 65. It would be better than a crowbar.

Takahashi:
There's appropriate, then there's necessary. If the authorities decide to put up a roadblock on Interstate 15 for us, we can forego pavement and make like the Baja 1000. If some nefarious characters decide to ram us upon our escape, I think the Cayenne has a better chance of continuing its run. Like the slogan, if something happens to the Benz in Vegas, it'll stay in Vegas. I, on the other hand, will be making a bee-line for my safehouse in L.A. while Joey the Hammer goes to work on your knees.

In any case, this reads like the antithesis to our annual fuel sipper smackdown. I like it. Oh, and can we teach Magrath to count cards beforehand? I'm bad with numbers and that seems like a skill we'll need.

So which of these two would you take? And which other car would you choose?